An oft-stated pablum is that all children need to rebel. It’s how they establish their independence. Certainly children need to find their independence — but seriously, the pablum about rebelling is actually a rationalization arising from a long term power struggle and absence of communication.

Every child is born as a complete dependent — unable to manage anything alone — except crying and a couple of bodily functions. This is the child the parent first “meets”, bonds with and commits to carrying for.

Child development is a continuum — from complete dependence to effective independence. Along this continuum, the child develops in myriad, amazing ways — some obvious, some not, some outright invisible. Development brings with it gains in independence — slow at first — but gains nonetheless in competence to begin managing parts of the environment.

Here’s where the problem can arise. Given that developmental changes come intermittently, slowly, sometimes invisibly, parents should expect that they will always be behind the curve — in other words, the child’s gains in independence-competency will nearly always be happening before the parent realizes it. Problem #1: parents don’t often enough recognize this fact.

When the child gains a bit of competency and the parent doesn’t recognize it and allow the child to exercise it, conflict begins.

To compound matters, parents often have a bias against allowing an increase in independent action — whether it’s allowing a babe to explore the pots and pans or a teen to learn to drive. The parent’s bias comes from years of an uncompromising commitment to protect (which can easily err on the side of stopping new independence), or it arises from the need to control. Either way, it should be resisted.

For the children’s part, when they gain a bit of competence to tackle some new bit of independence, they may instantly forget they didn’t always have that new competence and begin feeling and acting with impatience, as though its exercise has been thwarted forever. That’s problem #2. Parents seen as inhibitors. Add to that children’s common exaggeration of the extent of their new competence and perhaps a reckless disregard for some of the risks.

The answer: for parents, recognize and remind yourselves of your tendencies to be behind the curve, and any tendencies to overprotect or need to maintain control.

Begin discussing these concepts when they are young — as soon as your child begins to be able to understand his/her own tendencies to exaggerate new competencies and how long they’ve had them, and can understand the parents’ tendencies to be behind the curve.

When an understanding is created, it can be pointed out in times of conflict — parents can say, “hey, I just realized my reaction was because of that ‘behind the curve’ thing — and your reaction was that exaggeration thing.” You’ll no doubt find better language — but remember, communication requires that you also point out when your tendency has reared its resistant head — not only when the child’s has.

This solution means sometimes you’ll have to loosen the reins more than your initial reaction — it doesn’t mean that you throw caution to the wind. You manage the child’s new competence by managing your own tendencies to be behind the curve and then you manage the environment in which they can stretch their new found competencies.

Will this eliminate all conflict? You’re kidding, right? Of course not. But it helps you safely raise competent and independent children.